A deeper look into why it’s important to say goodbye
If you think it’s expensive to have a funeral for a loved one, wait til you see the costs of not having one.
It’s virtually impossible not to notice the growing number of obituaries over the last decade that end with, “there will be no service.”
Much of that stems from the recently-deceased not wanting to be a burden on their survivors but Kevin Sweryd, president and funeral director at Bardal Funeral Home and Crematorium, says memorial services and funerals can be a critical part of the bereavement process both today and well into the future.
“So many people are just doing cremation and not doing any kind of service or saying they’ll do it later, which often doesn’t happen. You can really rob the family of closure. Funerals used to be as important as weddings, graduations, bar and bat mitzvahs and other rights of passage,” he says. “There can be unresolved grief or unstated grief. People often think funerals are the end of the grieving process but they can often be just the beginning.You have to translate to living a new life where that person is no longer physically present but everything they put in your life is still there. That can manifest in anxiety and social isolation. You have to resolve that disconnect and heal that wound.”
For example, Sweryd says you may think you knew your parents very well but without a memorial service or funeral, you may not get to meet many people who knew them in their other walks of life.
“There could be hundreds of people you didn’t know but who knew your parents and who wanted to share stories about them. You could learn a lot about your loved one at that kind of gathering,” he says.
Remembering a friend or loved one doesn’t have to involve renting out a giant hall at great expense. It can be as simple as a backyard congregation with the people who knew them best while listening to their favourite songs, toasting with their favourite drink and telling stories in groups or in front of everybody. “Make a fuss over them. You have a lifetime of memories that you have to process,” he says.
A funeral can cost as little as $3,000, a basic package that includes picking up the deceased, cremation, a simple urn and returning the cremated remains to the family. At the other end of the spectrum is a service featuring a viewing, flowers, stationary, guest books, service programs and a luncheon, possibly including an open bar. This can cost about $15,000.
Many funeral details can be taken care of in a will. Unfortunately, studies show that half of Canadians don’t have a will. Unless they get their act together, they will die “intestate,” triggering provincial laws to decide how to distribute their estate and appoint their executor.
In the worst case scenario, dying intestate can put everything at the funeral home on hold. The body will be stored while the details of the estate are sorted out in the court system, which can take weeks or months.
“The more you can address ahead of time, the easier it is on the family,” Sweryd says. “They won’t have to deal with it at a time when they’re already emotionally and physically exhausted.”
The biggest reason people give for not writing up a will is they don’t want to think about their own mortality.
“That’s perfectly understandable. Nobody wants to think about a world that they’re not in,” he says. “But it’s inevitable so you might as well plan for it.”
Bardal Funeral Home and Crematorium
843 Sherbrook Street
Winnipeg
204-774-7474
bardal.ca
